funny-jokes-app

Funny Jokes App

I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.
Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.
Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.
You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earth’s temperature by 3 degrees.
You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You’re so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled.
Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
You tell people you live just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.
You are living proof that God has a sense of humor.
You inspired the slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, “concentrate”.
One more wrinkle and you’d pass for a prune.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I heard you went to a freak show and got in for free.
You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.
Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
You remind me of the ocean — you make me sick.
You prefer three left turns to one right turn.
You have a Teflon brain – nothing sticks.
Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.
Don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you’ve got a palm.
You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.
You’re a dim bulb in the marquee of life.
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
When they made you, they broke the mold—and beat the mold maker.
When you die, I’d like to go to your funeral, but I’ll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
I fart to make you smell better.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck.
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard that you were a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of shock.
If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
You think Cheerios are doughnut seeds.
You are so stupid, when you heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you went out.
You are the reason God created the middle finger.
You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.
All day I thought of you…I was at the zoo.
Are your parents siblings?
You thinks Taco Bell is where you pay for your phone calls to Mexico.
To make you laugh on Saturday, I need to you joke on Wednesday.
You weren’t fully debugged before being released.
You call people to ask them for their phone number.
You must be the arithmetic man — you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You may be a beautiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!
You’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
You’re a few planets short of a Federation
You have Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
You’re so dense, light bends around you.
Your family wasn’t dysfunctional until you arrived.
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
You’re so boring, your dreams have Muzak.
You’re so dumb, blondes tell jokes about you.
The twinkle in your eyes is actually the sun shining between your ears.
Your family tree is a tumbleweed.
I’ll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you’ll need a passport and plane ticket back
You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.
You’re at least one Brady short of a Bunch.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I’ll hit you so hard you’ll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?
If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.
Some people have called you a wit… They’re half right !
Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
I’ll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
People clap when they see you — their hands over their eyes or ears.
Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
You are so was so ugly they used to push your face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You are so old, you fart dust.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
Sure, I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.
In the battle of wits, you fight unarmed.
We all spring from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.
You are so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You’re ski lift doesn’t go to the top of the hill.
Your head whistles in a cross wind.
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, obviously he never met you.
Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
You are so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
There’s two things I really hate about you: your face!
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
You are so dumb, you play solitaire…for cash.
You are so stupid, you’d trip over a cordless phone.
For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
You have signs on both ears saying “Space for Rent”.
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
If stupidity hurt, you’d go through life on a morphine drip.
You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
You’re a legend in your own mind.
If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
All day I thought of you…I was at the zoo.
I wish your charm could be bottled–then a cork could be put in it.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.
Yo momma’s so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma’s so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma’s so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma’s so poor when your family watches TV they go to Sears
Yo momma’s so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled MACYs wrong
Yo momma’s so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma’s so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma’s so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma’s so dumb she failed a survey
Yo momma’s so ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don’t get stolen
Yo momma’s so dumb and poor that when I came over for dinner she read me recipes
Yo momma’s so poor she married young just to get the rice
Yo momma’s so dumb she put on her glasses to watch 20/20
Yo momma’s so dumb her shoes say TGIF – toes go in front
Yo momma’s so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo momma’s so poor she waves an ice cube around and calls it Air conditioning
Yo momma’s so poor when I rang the doorbell she leaned out the window and said DING DONG
Yo momma’s so dumb I put a ScratchNSniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned
Yo momma’s so dumb I said lets go to the superbowl and she ran and got a spoon
Yo momma’s so dumb I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod
Yo momma’s so dumb I saw her jumping up and down asked what she was doing and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it
Yo momma’s so dumb I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope asked what she was doing and she said sending a voice mail
Yo momma’s so dumb I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it
Yo momma’s so dumb I told her drinks were on the house so she went and got a ladder
Yo momma’s so dumb I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart
Yo momma’s so dumb if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to blow her nose
Yo momma’s so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
Yo momma’s so dumb on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
Yo momma’s so dumb she asked for help to use Hamburger Helper
Yo momma’s so dumb she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said Guess so she said Levis
Yo momma’s so dumb she asked me whats that letter after X and I said Y she said Cause I want to know
Yo momma’s so dumb she asked me Whats the number for 911?
Yo momma’s so dumb she can’t make Jello because she can’t fit 2 quarts of water in the box
Yo momma’s so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W&Ws
Yo momma’s so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged
Yo momma’s so dumb she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home
Yo momma’s so dumb she has to use her fingers for 1 + 1
Yo momma’s so dumb she leaves tell tales signs she’s been using my computer: white out is on the screen
Yo momma’s so dumb she noticed a sign reading Wet Floor so she just did
Yo momma’s so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out
Yo momma’s so dumb she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
Yo momma’s so dumb she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the weather
Yo momma’s so dumb she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund
Yo momma’s so dumb she saw a billboard that said Dodge Trucks and she started ducking through traffic
Yo momma’s so dumb she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
Yo momma’s so dumb she sold her Car for gas money
Yo momma’s so dumb she sold her camera to buy film
Yo momma’s so dumb she sold the house to pay the mortgage
Yo momma’s so dumb she spent 30 minutes lookin at an orange juice box because it said concentrate
Yo momma’s so dumb she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go
Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg’s holiday album
Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds
Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet
Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks socialism means partying
Yo momma’s so dumb she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company
Yo momma’s so dumb she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court
Yo momma’s so dumb she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center
Yo momma’s so dumb she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale
Yo momma’s so dumb she thought meow mix was music for cats
Yo momma’s so dumb she thought the Board of Education was a piece of wood
Yo momma’s so dumb she told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and don’t Walk
Yo momma’s so dumb she took you to the drive-in movie theater to see Closed for the season
Yo momma’s so dumb she uses Old Spice for cooking
Yo momma’s so dumb she was looking at a paper and I asked her what you doing? and she said watching paper view
Yo momma’s so dumb she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said Disney World Left so she went home
Yo momma’s so dumb she went to Gap to fix her teeth
Yo momma’s so dumb she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had
Yo momma’s so dumb she went to Walgreens to see if the walls were really green
Yo momma’s so dumb that when she surfed the internet she put a wetsuit on
Yo momma’s so dumb she snuck on the bus and paid to get off
Yo momma’s so dumb she tried to steal a free sample
Yo momma’s so dumb when I said we were playing craps she went and got toilet paper
Yo momma’s so dumb when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
Yo momma’s so dumb when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like Vroom Screech Vroom Screech
Yo momma’s so dumb when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put OK
Yo momma’s so dumb when the computer said Press any key to continue she couldn’t find the Any key
Yo momma’s so old her memory is in black and white
Yo momma’s so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma’s so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma’s so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma’s so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma’s so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma’s so old she’s mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma’s so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma’s so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma’s so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma’s so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma’s so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma’s so po she can’t even afford the last two letters
Yo momma’s so poor burglars break in and leave money
Yo momma’s so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma’s so poor her front and back doors are on the same hinge
Yo momma’s so poor I walked into her house and stepped on a cigarette butt and she said Hey who turned off the heater?
Yo momma’s so poor I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and said Who turned off the lights?
Yo momma’s so poor I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard
Yo momma’s so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma’s so poor she bounces food stamps
Yo momma’s so poor she can’t afford to pay attention
Yo momma’s so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
Yo momma’s breath so bad she has to take prescription Tic Tac
Yo momma’s breath stinks so bad that people look forward to her farts
Yo momma’s smells so bad she went to Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border
Yo momma’s so cheap instead of buying a fire alarm she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling
Yo momma’s so dirty her Sure deodorant is now Confused
Yo momma’s so dirty she made Right Guard turn left
Yo momma’s so dirty she slowed down Speed Stick
Yo momma’s so dirty they filmed Gorillas in the mist in her shower
Yo momma’s so cheap she washes paper plates
Yo momma’s so lazy she thinks a two income family is where your daddy has two jobs
Yo momma’s so lazy she’s got a remote control just to operate her remote
Yo momma’s so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about her
Yo momma’s so ugly her Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye
Yo momma’s so ugly her dentist treats her by mail order
Yo momma’s so ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats
Yo momma’s so ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application
Yo momma’s so ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door said Thanks for bringing her back
Yo momma’s so ugly kids dress up as her for Halloween
Yo momma’s so ugly she gave Freddy Kruger nightmares
Yo momma’s so ugly that she went to an ugly contest and they said sorry no professionals
Yo momma’s so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down
Yo momma’s so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies
Yo momma’s so ugly they put her face on a milk carton and it spoiled
Yo momma’s so ugly when she was born the doctor smacked the wrong end
Yo momma’s so wrinkled she has to screw her hat on

Bill told Hillary to run for office instead of marrying him

to run for of him
Clinton said he asked Hillary to marry him twice before she ultimately said yes – then told her she was the most talented politician of her generation and should go run for office instead of getting hitched to him. “Oh my God … I&;ll never run for …
Read more on New York Post

Richard Holbrookes decline and fall, as told in Hillary Clinton emails
When it comes to Washington backbiting, even the dead don&39;t get to rest in peace. Among the revelations to emerge from the latest trove of Hillary Clinton emails are jokes and gibes at the expense of Richard Holbrooke, the legendary diplomat who died …
Read more on Politico

Hillary Clinton is owning the joke about her fashion choices — and it&39;s working
Hillary Clinton, candidate for president, has been making jokes about fashion. They have not exactly been rib-cracking laugh lines, but they have been knowing, droll, even a bit silly. But mostly, they have not been defensive. Instead, Clinton has gone …
Read more on Washington Post (blog)

Funny cat video: Cucumber scares the bejesus out of an unsuspecting cat

: the out of an cat
Picture this: you&;re relaxed and about to finish your meal, as you would do on an ordinary day, thinking about relaxing or what&39;s next on your agenda… but you&39;re a house cat. Now, what do you do when a cucumber suddenly appears from out of nowhere?
Read more on BGR

Funny Animal Video: Scaredy-Cat&39;s Rocket Launch At Sight Of Cucumber Is More
This week&39;s funny animal video involves a unnerved cat, rocket boosters (well, sort of), a savvy camera person and the case of a stealthy cucumber. The YouTube viral footage, posted by — and appropriately named — user, FunnyVideos, shows a cat dining …
Read more on The Inquisitr

: Why Donald Trump Is Serving Style Inspiration For Cats Everywhere
Cat owners everywhere are sprucing up their furry friends in the style of old Donald, complete with a wispy toupee made from their own excess fur – a classic Trump look. All they need is a pet pinstripe suit and a presidential campaign and we won&39;t be …
Read more on instyle.co.uk

Josh Duggar Appears to Make a Joke About Dating Siblings in Video

to Make a in
As Josh Duggar&;s admittance of “wrongdoing” continues to make headlines in the wake of sexual molestation allegations, a video has resurfaced showing the 19 Kids and Counting star making what appears to be a joke about siblings dating. The clip, from …
Read more on TIME

MICHAEL LOMAX: &39;Ted 2&39; a collection of hit-and-miss jokes
now for almost two years, John Bennett is having trouble getting back in the dating game, despite ludicrous amounts of attention from gorgeous women left and right. Obviously, Ted tries to help him out, but this is really just an average …
Read more on The Albany Herald

Lindsey Vonn Talks Dating Tiger Woods, Jokes She&39;s a "Really Good Girlfriend
Athletes Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods know what it takes to be successful in their respective sports, but injuries can set anyone back. Although no one would ever want to experience a serious injury, Vonn&39;s golfer boyfriend went through a similar …
Read more on E! Online

Settling the Score: Friday's results

the : Friday&;s
The Mets might be…good? Bartolo Colon tossed seven innings of one-run ball and also did some damage with the bat in a 4-1 win over the Marlins last night at Citi Field. The Mets have now won six straight for the first time since 2011 and sit at 8-3 on …
Read more on NBCSports.com

How the Internet Has Transformed Dark Humor About High-Profile Tragedies
… 2003 essay “Jokes That Follow Mass Mediated Disaster in a Global Electronic Age.” According to Davies, “sick” humor has been around since people began writing down jokes. But even the sickest jokes did not, as far as anyone can tell, take the form …
Read more on Slate Magazine

High drug prices push treatments out of reach: Your Say
The most evident reason so many seniors have chronic illnesses is because our medical system is not based on preventive care ("Nation&39;s sickest seniors reshape health care"). This is not the case in other parts of the world. It is another scheme by Big …
Read more on USA TODAY

Tourists experience CREMATION in death simulator at Chinese amusement park

in at
Tourists around the world are being drawn to a bizarre &;death simulator&39; at a Chinese amusement park, that offers you the chance to experience cremation. The ride, called &39;The Cremator&39;, offers the morbidly curious to opportunity to find out what it …
Read more on Daily Mail

Trolls bombard Phil Neville&39;s family with death threats about daughter
Supt Paul Giannasi, of the NPCC&39;s hate crime working group, told the BBC: &39;There have been a number of successful prosecutions against people posting offensive and abusive messages. &39;In some cases this has led to the offender being imprisoned. There is …
Read more on Daily Mail

14 Epic Yearbook Quotes You Wish You&39;d Thought Of
"The quote is supposed to be ironic because I graduated with an overall 4.3 GPA," Bassett said in an email to Cosmopolitan.com, "People at my school were supposed to understand that, because I was told blonde jokes my whole life." Jokes on them, though.
Read more on Cosmopolitan.com (blog)

Stoned dog video: Dosing pets isn't funny or harmless. It's animal abuse

: isn&;t or harmless. It&39;s
You might have already seen the stoned dog video going viral this week — the 63-second short of what looks to be a Siberian Husky awkwardly losing control of its own body, his absent-minded tongue woefully askew (until his owner physically places it …
Read more on The Cannabist

WATCH: Adorable Dogs&39; Funny Failures
We love our dogs. They are man&39;s best friend and offer unconditional love and admiration that makes everyday with them better. Although they often become the favorite members of our families, some of the best moments are watching them do the things …
Read more on Huffington Post (satire)

Bear eats 20 pounds of dog food, falls asleep – Cincinnati News, FOX19-WXIX TV
(CNN/WFTV) – A bear in Seminole County, FL, went into someone&39;s garage, ate part of a 20-pound bag of dog food, then fell asleep on the lawn. A neighbor shot some funny photos of the sleepy bear. Bob Cross of Lake Mary, FL, normally gets calls from his …
Read more on WXIX

In March Hilary joked about emails in wake of the scandal | Daily Mail Online

In in of the |
In March Hilary joked about emails in wake of the scandal. Hillary Clinton made light of the scandal which erupted after it emerged that she used her personal email account for government business. Kylie Jenner is surprised with high… Read More · 0 …
Read more on Daily Mail

&;Owning&39; Hillary&39;s fashion sense
The other day, a Washington Post headline caught my eye: “Hillary Clinton is owning the joke about her fashion choices – and it&39;s working.” “Clinton has gone on the offensive by finding humor in her fashion foibles and beauty regimen…. She long ago …
Read more on Christian Science Monitor

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Bruce Jenner's transition as he roasts ABC network

Jenner&;s as he ABC
Jimmy Kimmel turned ABC&39;s biggest coup of the year to banter during his annual roast of the network. The late-night host cracked a joke at its Upfronts programming presentation on Tuesday in New York City about Diane Sawyer&39;s recent interview with …
Read more on Daily Mail

Obese Graham Waugh loses 31 stone and plans to open gym for fat people
One of Britain&39;s fattest men who used to drink more than 100 pints of coke a week is opening the county&39;s first gym for the super obese – after he lost 31 stone. Married Graham Waugh, 45, piled on the pounds when depression and anxiety trapped him …
Read more on Daily Mail

EastEnders&39; Denise Van Outen jokes about split from ex-husband Lee Mead
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas sign divorce documents to officially end 18 year marriage It comes a year after filing their legal papers; &39;Hate the donut, don&39;t hate the fatty!&39; Plus-size woman slams Ariana Grande for turning her donut-licking …
Read more on Daily Mail